The conversation with your mate starts off like most others: you remind him about taking out the garbage or fixing the dripping faucet. Before you know it, the two-way conversation has turned into a monologue with you doing all the talking. You end up feeling like a reprimanding teacher instead of the one who promised to love, honor and cherish.

Of course the mundane, everyday things like the finances, what’s for dinner and how the kids are doing in school are important and need to be regularly discussed, but how you say what you need to say is a very important part of the message as well.

“There are some communication methods that can be better than others,” says Dr. Barbara Kidney, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in couple and family therapy in New Windsor. “But all require two people who are willing to both talk and hear what the other has to say.”

Be a Little Selfish
Experts suggest that the best way to keep a discussion from turning into a "your talk/partner listens” type of thing is to turn the conversation around by tell your mate how you feel.

“Using ‘I’ messages help,” says Dr. Kidney. “Say ‘When this happens, it leaves me feeling like this.’ Follow up with the condition you as the speaker would like to see happen,” she adds. For example, if getting your hubby to remember to take out the garbage on trash pick-up day is an issue, tell him that it would make you more comfortable and less stressed if the trash cans were wheeled to the curb as soon as he comes home, so no one has to dash out of the door without any shoes on when hear the truck emptying your neighbor’s cans. Try to talk about the positives for both you personally and the relationship the action will produce.

Subject Matter Matters
Some situations you and your honey deal with may well be a sore spot for either or both of you. Discussions about spend-thrift ways or clothes that can’t seem to find their way to the hamper, dresser or closet, may make you want to scream, but talking a blue streak about what he keeps doing (or not doing) will do nothing more than make him tune you out and not even hear what you have to say.

“In general when you want to communicate, it’s always best to avoid accusations,” Dr. Kidney says. In other words, the phrases “You ALWAYS,” or “You NEVER” should be avoided like the plague. Both are such gross generalizations that are bound to make your mate roll his eyes and go back to the game, the newspaper or that song on the radio. It is best, Dr. Kidney adds, to be more accurate and fair – as well as tactful and delicate – when you have something touchy to bring to the table. The history about the issue is important as well. Are you on good terms about this subject or not? If not – and you go in with both barrels drawn, ready to do battle – you may find yourself in that one-way conversation pretty quickly.

Little Things mean a Lot
When you are sharing space with another, your partner can become such a part of your day-to-day that the little things he does - especially if he’s done them for years and years - can become so routine that you don’t even notice them anymore. That, Dr. Kidney says, can lead to difficulty for both of you.

“There’s a saying: ‘Familiarity breeds contempt,’” she says, “because you can start to communicate the message that the person is a thing.” So do like your mother told you and don’t forget to say your pleases and thank-yous for all the small things – like clearing the snow off your car or shoveling the drive- and walk-ways, reaching for his wallet whenever you go out to dine or taking the movies back to the video store on his way to work.

No Quick Fixes
It may be a bit unrealistic to think that your new way of communicating with your mate will produce smooth, free-flowing non-confrontational conversation the next time you use it. There just might not be magic words for the situation you find yourself in tomorrow. Plus, if the subject matter is difficult or if you’ve been communicating the old way since you met, the “new” way may take a while to ring true to your partner.

“If [he’s] angry, you can speak like [Sigmund] Freud and it may not do any good,” Dr. Kidney says. She suggests you move on to something else and try again – and again, if necessary. “You’re more likely to get a reasonable response if you approach it nicely and consistently.”

Accentuate the Positive
Every couple – even happily married ones – disagree from time to time. Healthy communication with your mate is important in your relationship, and just like water and sun are to a plant, it is necessary so that you both can remain healthy while continuing to thrive and grow together.

“Successful marriages are generally those where positive communication strongly outweighs the negative,” Dr. Kidney says. “Positive communication is a key component in relationships that last for twenty, thirty or even forty years.”

Felicia Hodges is the editor of Tri-County Woman and Tri-County Woman Online! magazines.

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