Matriarch's Manor

When Romance Rages: Recognizing and Preventing Teen Battering

by Felicia Hodges

Most people who knew Lisa Geldon (not her real name) when she was 17-years-old knew her as a bright, quiet girl who played flute in the marching band, was involved in school government and had stared in several productions by the drama club. What they didn’t know was that her boyfriend Sam (not his real name, either) often slapped her, pulled her hair and once forced her to have sex with him.

“I never told anyone, not my parents, not my sister or any of my friends,” Lisa, who is now 26, says. “No one knew at all except me and Sam.” And since his attacks usually didn’t leave any physical bruises, Lisa said it was easy to pretend everything was o.k. and hide what was going on from her those who knew her best.

According to Dr. Virginia Feldman, a pediatrician who heads both the Child Abuse Team and the Family Violence Task Force in Portland, Oregon, Lisa is far from a minority.

“About 65% of teens, most of whom are women - although abuse by young women is on the rise - report that they have been forced to have sex with or were hit by a partner at some point in a relationship,” Dr. Feldman says. “The highest stats for forced sex occur to in college with date or acquaintance rape.”

With numbers as high as that, chances are you may know a teen who is being physically abused by their boyfriend or girlfriend - including your daughter or son. But, because all relationships start out rosy and happy, how can you know if a friend is being battered? Are their ways to tell if your child’s significant other is a potential batterer?

Warning Signs
Dr. Feldman says that there are definite signs that could indicate that someone you know is involved in a physically abusive relationship. Watch for:

* A dramatic change in their style of dress.

* Bruises, scratches or other injuries, especially if the explanations for how the injuries were received are questionable.

* A dip in academic performance and dropping out of after-school activities that used to be of special interest.

* A significant other who shows excessive jealousy. (“This is not at all normal,” Dr. Feldman says. “It is a sign of control.”)

* Spending all spare time with the boyfriend or girlfriend. (This may not even be by choice; the boyfriend may be forcing your child to spend as much time as possible with him.)

* Your child focuses on partner exclusively.

* Crying jags in your child.

* Getting close too quickly. (This may be a sign that “no” is not an option for your child where the boyfriend or girlfriend is concerned.)

* Boyfriend frequently looses his temper

* The significant other often goes overboard on the positives, like showering your child with 10 dozen roses. (“[Folks] don’t often see what caused the 10 dozen roses in the first place,” Dr. Feldman says.)

“Basically, if [you have] a gut reaction that something is wrong, it probably is,” she adds.

How the Cycle Begins
Any person who has suspicions confirmed about a teen being abused or even battering another is bound to wonder how such a thing could happen. Many of the reasons kids slip into violent patters has to do with self-esteem issues.

“In the teenage population, a lot of young women’s self-esteem is so low that it is only elevated when a boyfriend or girlfriend steps into the picture,” says Dr. Stan J. Katz, a clinical and forensic psychologist with a practice in Beverly Hills. “They may feel that having a boyfriend who abuses them is better than not having a boyfriend at all.” This may especially be the case it the abusive relationship is the teen’s first love.

“It is extremely powerful,” Dr. Katz adds. “Even after they have been abused several times, what happens is all the boy has to do is say he loves her after the abuse and she feels good again.”

Dr. Katz says that although there are major similarities between teen victims and their adult counterparts, one big difference is that teens who are abused often still love their abusers. “Adult women often stay in abusive situations out of fear for themselves or their children or even because of financial dependence. They feel trapped in their situations. But teens often stay because of that love.”

It is important to recognize that the abuser can often turn the beating or forced sex into a loving event by apologizing profusely and promising to change after an incident and then being really attentive and loving for a while. This period - known as the honeymoon stage - can thoroughly confuse a young woman who only feels good about herself when she is being showered with affection. Or, the abuser can turn the situation around and make the victim feel like it is her fault by saying that she made him hit/hurt her.

“It’s not so different from a parent that says ‘I only beat my child because I care about [him or her],’” Dr. Katz adds. “But so much of it comes from self-esteem and self-love. Someone who is looking for structure can misinterpret abuse for love. It can become quite a paradox.”

Early Beginnings
Like any behavior we learn, both Dr. Feldman and Dr. Katz say the lessons to help keep kids from being battered or becoming batterers start when they are young.

“Domestic violence is a pattern of forced control using words, violence or even the threat of violence,” Dr. Feldman says. “Anger-control workshops and classes won’t help because it is such an ingrained pattern of behavior for the abuser by this point.” But suggestions for learning more acceptable ways to channel anger and feel good about yourself and others can include:

1. Ditching the Stereotypical Gender Roles - Don’t buy into the idea that boys fight or that “boys will be boys.” Accepting or encouraging such ideas send the message to both girls and boys that violence by males is not only acceptable but to be expected.

2. Be Sensitive to Violence - Today, when seemingly every movie or video game solves difficulties with another by shooting them, it’s important to remember and remind your children that real life is not like the movies.

3. Build a Girl’s Self-Esteem - Let the young women in your life know that they are not second-class citizens. Encourage and praise them in all they do, whether it is getting a learner’s permit, joining the debate club or getting a small role in the school play.

4. Learn to Settle Conflicts Peacefully - Tell your child that he or she has options when someone jumps in their face, talks about him or tries to “push his buttons.” Encourage mediation or similar school programs to settle disputes. “Walking away from the fight is the hardest but best thing to do,” Dr. Feldman says.

5. Get Involved - Studies and police reports around the nation tell us that young people get into the most trouble in the hours immediately following dismissal from school. After-school programs and activities are an excellent way make sure you are staying away from all the things you probably shouldn’t be around in the first place. “Busy kids don’t get into trouble, that’s a proven fact,” Dr. Feldman adds.

6. Accept Zero Tolerance - Tell your sons and daughters that if they are ever even threatened with being hit, it is not a relationship they should be in. One hit, threat, slap, kick, punch or verbal assault is one too many.

7. Know the Power of Words - Many abusers use emotional abuse as their weapon. The bruises left by such behavior leave lasting psychological scars that may take most of a lifetime to heal.

“There are guys I counsel who never hit a woman, but they will scream, yell, get in [her] face and control them,” Dr. Katz says. “They think because they don’t hit they aren’t hurting their women but they are wrong.”

What to Do Once You Know
If you are convinced that your child is being battered, it is important to know what steps you need to take to get the situation to stop. Although you might want to give the batter a taste of his own medicine, Dr. Feldman suggests that you don’t.

“You never know what actually happened. Confronting the perpetrator is never, ever the right thing to do,” she says.

Instead, you may wish to talk to someone like a doctor, social worker, domestic violence shelter worker or police to help you assess the situation and decide the next step. You may decide to help your child get a restraining order (also called an order of protection) to keep the batterer away from him or her, which the police and domestic violence case workers can help you do. The order will require that the batterer stay a set distance away from your child at all times. Violations make the batterer subject to arrest.

Also trust your judgment. If your child is telling you that she is scared of her boyfriend, act on it by validating her fear. Emphasize that the violence was not her fault and that she is not to blame for her partner’s actions.

And remember, just because your child and her significant other weren’t married doesn’t mean that she is safer from additional violence. The most dangerous time for any victim of domestic violence is just after he or she ends the relationship.

“In [co-habitating] domestic violence situations, we say that leaving may not always be the best thing to do because there may be kids or financial issues to deal with first,” Dr. Feldman says. “But in a dating relationship, it is a little different, although it can potentially be just as volatile and violent.”

Most importantly, be there for your child and encourage open lines of communication. Listen to what she is telling you and be aware of all she may not be able to say.

“We live in a violent society and people are reacting in dating relationships in violent ways,” Dr. Feldman says. “Making [kids] aware of [battering] starts in the cradle, not the teens.”

For More Information:
If your child or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233. It is a 24-hr. line that will give information about counseling, orders of protection and domestic violence shelters in your area.

Felicia is the editor of Tri-County Woman magazine.

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