Health, Beauty & Wellness

The “Need to Please” Disease
by Dawn Marie Barhyte

Do you find yourself saying yes when really you would rather say no? Do you feel the need to make others happy at all times and be everything to everyone? Millions of women struggle with the “need to please,” which can manifest itself in a myriad of physical and emotional symptoms.

According to researchers, people pleasers eventually pay a high price for being nice, including stress, exhaustion, illness, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. It seems that making everyone else happy has the potential to leave you feeling inadequate and powerless.

Researchers also say it is totally human to want to be liked and seek approval from others. A little recognition goes a long way actually prompting our brains to release the “feel good” chemical, dopamine. Some approval is necessary for self-worth; it’s when it is taken to extremes that we run into difficulties. The delicate balance can be hard to find.

According to Harriet Braiker, author of The Disease to Please, people pleasers aren’t just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. “They feel the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others like an addictive pull which can spiral into a psychological syndrome with far reaching physical and emotional consequences,” she says.

Being overly dependent on approval from others and being nice all the time can be toxic as well – especially if dreams are put on hold. “Perpetually being nice can be depleting, draining you of vitality,” adds Ellen Smith, owner of Coaching and Psychotherapy for Success of Pleasant Valley.

Breaking the Pattern
Hard to believe, but you don’t have to be an ever accommodating “yes person” to be loved, valued and respected. But too many women do it anyway. How much energy and effort do you use up trying to get people to like you, to gain approval and be more accepted? If the answer is “a lot,” it may be time to make a commitment to shift the focus from others to you. Once you do, you will feel more satisfied with life, in control
“[But] people pleasing can be a hard habit to break that may require a trained professional for support because receiving approval from others is rewarding,” Smith cautions. “When you say yes to a request someone makes in an effort to be nice, you are
Women have been conditioned from an early age to say yes to others needs at their own expense or risk being seen as selfish. But when we act in accordance with others approval, we are saying their agenda is more important than our own. You may also attract people who will manipulate or exploit you or are controlling and think they know what is best for you.

Finding Your Voice
It may take time to break old habits and for others to get used to the new you, but it is possible. The following tips can help you get there from where you are now if you:

* Assess Your Behavior – Monitor your thoughts and actions to understand and determine what is driving you to be a people pleaser. Examine your ability to set limits on others as well as your boundaries. Look at your fears. Are they realistic? Why are you afraid to say no?

* Build From Within – Make conscious choices everyday to honor yourself and affirm your self-worth. Do what is meaningful to you not what others think you should do. Engage in activities that bring you joy. Ask yourself what you want and find ways to act on it.

* Be Your Own Cheerleader – Take inventory of those positive attributes you possess other than being a “nice” person. Give yourself positive feedback and feel pride in your unique abilities.

* Do Something Nice for Yourself – Color your hair, get a tattoo, a manicure or whatever without worry of what people will think. Curl up with your favorite author, sip a glass of wine or start a new hobby. Make a list of things you enjoy doing for yourself then make a commitment to do one of the things on the list every day.

* Listen to Your Inner Voice – Spend time alone everyday – even if it is just for 15 minutes. Use it to reflect upon your feelings. Evaluate the commitments you have and let go of what is not energizing you. Give your opinion in a discussion even if it isn’t the popular one.

* Count Your Blessings – Make a gratitude list naming 10 things you are grateful for.

* Just Say No – Set limits on demands placed on you by saying “No!” to the next request for your time or money – and don’t apologize for it.

Know that you may experience some conflict with others when you start to change your behavior so be prepared. And remember to keep at it, as practice makes perfect.

Dawn Marie Barhyte is a freelance writer who lives in Warwick with her husband and dog. Widely published around the country, she covers women’s issues, parenting and education, striving to touch the lives of her readers in a positive way.